Grieving and Points of Light

I’m struggling to keep it together right now.  I find myself consumed with grief.  I’m wooly-thoughtsgrieving the future that I could see.  The feeling is as though I were standing on solid ground and suddenly the earth fell away before me and left a gaping chasm of a canyon.  I can still sort of see that future I was imagining, but it’s miles away across the open gash in the earth and I can’t see a way to cross it.

I keep finding myself crying and I have to step away even from my ‘safe’ social media channels.  Instagram is normally my ‘safe’ place but right now it’s a channel for people to express their grief and rage and sadness.  And that’s okay.  I encourage anyone to express their feelings in whatever venue they need.  It’s just that I can’t be in that mix right now.

Somehow it only occurred to me last night that Trump’s victory in the election on Tuesday also means that he gets to choose a supreme court justice.  And that made me lose it.  I’d been trying to focus on the fact that it’s only four years, but now I’ve remembered that he gets to choose someone terrible aligned with his values of hate and they’re going to be there for LIFE.  So it’s not just four years.

That bright, hopeful future, where trans folks could have the same rights as everyone else, where our racist law enforcement system could be repaired so that my friends of color didn’t have to fear for their lives all the time, it just feels like it’s been ripped away.  And I don’t care if I sound melodramatic, but it feels like something tore open my chest and ripped out my heart and I’m just trying to press bandages to the open wound while blood pools in my shoes.  The fact that so many people in my country voted for this hate filled, bigoted, vitriolic person makes me feel afraid and ashamed to be near them.  My state went red this year, so that means that half my neighbors and co-workers voted for him.

I’m trying to be positive in the face of all this grief.  So I just set up a small monthly recurring donation to Planned Parenthood.  I’m going to be trying to choose another organization that will support those people that this new president is going to be terrorizing.  And I’m collecting resources (below) that are helping me through all this in the hope that they might help others.

What to do when Hate wins.

You are strong and beautiful and I love you.

An illustrated guide to how to help someone experiencing anti-Muslim harrassment.

And to all of my fellow queer folks, poc, trans folks, and all other marginalized people out there.  I love you.  Your feelings are valid.  You are beautiful and wonderful and worthy of love and respect.  I’m sending you love and light today and all days.  Stay safe, don’t give up, we’ll handle this together.